Actually this is not a song title but a line from Janis Joplin's "Piece of my heart." The next line goes like this: "and baby I cry all the time." It was meant to be some sort of love song, even if not a pink one but now I use it in a different context.
This line came into my mind this morning when I was reading a New Age book by Louise L. Hay. The book says that our self-hatred and low self-esteem are to be blamed for all of our failures and even our illnesses. While I was reading it, there was some sad music in the CD player, and I just became so sad.
I was thinking about how I resemble my father so much. We have this hidden pain that we don't talk about. I was wondering whether he ever noticed this. Then I realized that actually he hadn't seen me cry in the last 10 or more years. I don't know if he ever did, except for when I was a baby. I remember the day when they told me that Grandma died and I ran out of the room crying. There were a few times when I cried out of joy when he might have seen me. I don't mean pure joy, rather some outburst of tears when feeling close to my Dad. The last such occasion was in the summer, when I got my diploma, and he hugged me. I was so moved that I look really sad and embarrassed in the pictures. We hadn't hugged each other in the last 10 or how many years.
I don't know why this has to be so. He's not the kind who shows his emotions ten times a day. Me neither. That's how we were brought up. But when Grandma died I was thinking I mustn't let it happen to Dad. I mean call him once in a month and find out suddenly that he's dead.
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