I remember in one of her concert recordings Janis Joplin says "Tomorrow never happens. It's all the same f****** day." I don't agree. These are several consecutive f****** days. Sometimes 24 hours seem a hundred years to complete. On other days time just passes by without the chance of you giving some meaning to it. I pace to and fro in the house and wash every piece of clothing, wash up every dish, arrange the spices in alphabetical order and do all kinds of crazy things you can imagine.
In the past few weeks I attended one job interview per week, which is not bad I think, but as I said in the previous post, some of them are just a waste of time. On Monday I was quite positive after an interview of almost an hour length. Especially because they told me I was one of the 7 (!) shortlisted. They were friendly and seemed to appreciate my abilities and experience, and I felt kind of relaxed and relieved. My only concern was the guy who googled my name and clicked on every single link. In the meantime, he kept asking me about all the things I listed as my hobbies, such as which instrument I play, etc. And then all of a sudden I recognized the theme of my Hungarian blog right on the screen of his laptop. What the hell? I panicked and couldn't wait to get out and call some friend to change the privacy settings. Plus weird things kept popping up in my mind. Things I posted there. When we finished I made an emergency call to my boyfriend who told me to calm down, it's all right, it won't do you any harm and things like that. By the way, I realized one block later that I'd left my umbrella there, and had to go back. Next day there was an email saying they've hired someone else. And naturally, I can't help thinking that it has to do with the blog. I know it sounds stupid, and I am all the more stupid for letting it happen, and perhaps I'm just blaming it on the blog so that I don't have to think it was something else. Like, there was someone better than me among the other 6. But why? How long shall I endure this pathetic, helpless state?
For some reason I was full of energy and ideas when I went to bed last night. Schemes and strategies of how to guerrilla myself into publishing and/or translation business kept popping up, and I looked forward to carrying them out first thing in the morning.
Then first thing in the morning I looked at Facebook and found an announcement that my cousin and his girlfriend got engaged. After a quick search I found out that they've been going out for about 9 months altogether. 9 months, not even a year. Of course I should feel happy for them and all, but instead I feel envious and pathetic. Been together for five years and don't even have the money for rings, let alone a flat. Then my sister (two years younger) pointed out that at least I have a boyfriend, unlike her. But then, what if she meets someone tomorrow and gets engaged in 9 months? Perhaps I'll just remain here like a bag left on the bus. No job, no dissertation, no giant diamond (exaggeration of course).
After three rounds of washing and several hours of adjusting font size, format, color and what-not I finally sent out one single spontaneous application to one single publishing house. At least they replied. And promised to reconsider in case of vacancy. Will they?
By the way, at least the Hindi class (and the usual kebab afterwards) was good. Personal pronouns and 'to be'. Have to find out how to include Devanagari symbols in the posts. Am so proud of my learning it.
P.S. My book quests are working fine too. I'm currently at 49, though I have to admit that the last 2 were just over 100 pages. Oriana Fallaci's Letter to a Child Never Born swept me off my feet. Should be compulsory, seriously.
Or perhaps it should be forbidden. Kids tend to behave disobediently when they’re told that a volume must be read. I recall seeing an episode of South Park in which this reverse psychology is at work. The teacher goes into the classroom with copies of The Catcher in the Rye. Instead of praising it, he hastily points out that the book is controversial and inappropriate. As a result, every student seems eager to read it. Of course South Park is just a cartoon, but I think this is the way the human psyche functions.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the job hunt!
Don't give up on yourself and the job hunt either. I know it's a cliche, but this shall pass too and you'll quickly forget about these days.
ReplyDeleteAnd also: there's nothing you should be ashamed of regarding your blogs, in fact they clearly prove your writing skills. Btw, prior to your mentioning here earlier, I hadn't known you had a Hungarian blog. A scanned through almost all the posts the other day when I had a lazy day at work, and felt a bit like a stalker.:)
The thing is, I just want some privacy. Freedom of speech without identifying who's speaking. Is that cowardice?
ReplyDelete