Mad world

At the moment I'm listening to heartbreaking love songs of the kind movies use to accompany the scenes in which the pathetic lover remembers the happy days spent together. My boy is away at the university. You know, it's the kind which provides classes at weekends. Feel so lonely as an unplayed guitar.
It is really hard to convey the meaning of what I'm trying to express now, even though I've found several paths to illustrate it. Maybe the best way to start is with focusing. As you might recall, I've joined a so-called creativity group. So far it's been all lectures by guest speakers, which I don't consider a sufficient way of enhancing creativity. The point is that yesterday the guest speaker was a psychologist who talked about a process called focusing. As far as I understand it, the theory claims that we have a felt sense inside, which we can access consciously, and can even interact with it. We did an exercise, in which we had to look at a picture and focus our attention so that our inner self would speak to us. Believe it or not, my inner self told me two words: tired and lonely.
According to the philosophy if we pay attention to our inner self, we can "live forward", which means something like feeling more alive. I think it's similar to Silva's mind control theory and many oriental philosophies. The successful interaction between me and myself can also help me coping with life, and it might as well free creative energies inside us.
Okay, so Mr. Lecturer says let's ask myself how I feel. To me it usually happens at times when I write. Unfortunately, I haven't been so focused recently as to write poetry, which I consider to be a true miracle of life, and consequently, a higher form of art than blogging.
So once again, how do I feel? I went to the orchestra session today and in an instant felt so lost that I almost hugged a guy. And by a guy I don't mean any guy but a particular one. He is the one I often talk to when lonely or bored, and he often cheers me up when my boy is away. I guess in an alternative world my heart would belong to him. And that was the moment when the idea of having two guys came to my mind; you know, the way bigamists do: one for odd weeks, one for even weeks. Because as it happens, I participated in a survey on sexual habits a couple of days ago, and one of the questions inquired my opinion of open relationships. I think they are probably the most painful things on earth. Even if I could love two guys at the same time, I would love each of them too much to bear the pain of hurting them. In addition, I think the number of guys would not solve anything because I would grow tired of any guy after a certain amount of time.
Then again, I considered one night stands. But as the popular belief holds, women in most cases long for tenderness rather than sex itself. A few years ago, when I was at freshmen's camp, I spent a night lying spoonfashion with a guy, on a raincoat laid on the ground. We stayed there even when it started to rain. I think this longing has been with me ever since I grew conscious of myself. And at the same time my own loneliness always kept me away from other people. When I was at primary school, I used to stand alone in the schoolyard, singing love songs to myself, with the wind blowing to my face. To this day I'm stuck in this turtle shell. You might as well call it a vicious circle. I feel I don't belong and that's way I rarely make friends. To tell the truth, I'm the kind who doesn't want to make friends with all the people near and far. I'm so arrogant that I think my time is more precious than that. I used to go out on Friday nights but rarely enjoyed it. Maybe listening to Nina Simone or reading fiction is my kind of thing. With semi-public lamentations on myself, of course.

P.S. I chose the title song because I watched an episode of a Hungarian talent contest tonight and one of my favorite contestants sang this. She sang so emotionally that it really moved me.