Unfortunately for my readers, I don't have a particular topic right now, at least it's not a coherent one. I was writing an article on an exhibition, and I started to listen to Norah Jones meanwhile. There was a time back at high school when I used to listen to her for hours every day. According to my step-mother it is way too depressing, which is probably true, but somehow the things I like best are inherently melancholy. So, about Norah. True she is one of the best if you want to lick your wounds and moan over long-last lovers (totally pointless and undeserved by the way). But what I love best is her bar singer voice. I can even feel the smoke when I turn it on. Plus the gentle guitar and/or piano accompaniment. It just came to my mind, that it's also good for making love. You know, I have some friends who ask me questinons like could I recommend something to listen to during sex, and I think Norah Jones is one. (Well, depends on the person and the type of sex they want.) Okay, forgot to put the parental advisory sign on, so back to the music. Well, I just love it, so no point in explaining it.
The other thing I wanted to write about is related to another Nora, namely my former thesis consultant in Hungarian linguistics. Today was her habilitation. I don't know what that means exactly, but she had to write a kind of thesis, about one or two hundred pages long, I guess. The committee gave 100% for that. Then today she had to give a 40-minute-long presentation in Hungarian, then a 20-minute-long one in English. Her topic was evidentiality in Hungarian, which would be hard to explain, but something related to modals and the speaker's attitude, and linguistic construal. Anyway, she is one of my favorite teachers ever, and she is a real diamond both professionally and as a human being. So it was evident for me that I should go and listen to her, even if I wouldn't understand a word of it. Luckily I did, because she can make linguistic theories easily understood, plus I used to be a member of the students' association in functional-cognitive linguistics for two years.
The point that I wanted to make here is that before her presentation, her CV was read out, listing all the important research, publications, training, committees, etc. And as I was sitting there I told myself, oh my, this could have been you. And I don't mean to brag here, but there were people who considered me gifted in the field of linguistics, only I never really tried. For some reason I don't want to spend my life being a linguist. I applied for a PhD in literature, but they turned me down. And now I don't exactly know what to do.
P.S. Sometimes I'm struck by a sudden vision of remaining just an English teacher, and I'm gasping for breath at that. This can (and did actually) happen even at the middle of the night, while I'm on holiday on a Bulgarian beach.
I also love listening to Norah Jones, but, interestingly, I’ve never thought of her as a melancholic artist. Well, yeah, it’s true that her lyrics are sometimes a bit gloomy, but her voice is so tender that most of the time I don’t even pay attention to what the lyrics are. And she does perform some cheerful songs as well (e.g. “Man of the Hour”).
ReplyDeleteYou aren't and won't be "just an English teacher". And there are hundreds of roles and relations yet to come in your life. It is worth thinking about them, because sooner or later you run out of time to make up your mind about one or the other. But when you are considering the promises of the future, keep in mind, please, the following. MAYBE, who are brave enough to drop important things somtimes, even if those things had eaten up a lot of their energy, and to try new ways they find fascinating, even if those ways don't seem to lead anywhere, have no nightmares. I said MAYBE. I don't know, because I am not one of them. (I mean, I am not too brave in that sense. Still, I don't tend to have nightmares.)
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you're my former lit teacher from high school or not. Anyway, thanks for the advice. Maybe I lack the gene that carries the ability to be satisfied. Maybe satisfaction is a barrier against moving on. At least I try that. Last week I wrote a one-page long translation and a one-page long article. Both for free, but at least they were something of a challenge. And they will bear my name, and I shall be proud of them.
I also love NJ, I too, used to listen to her all the time in secondary school & the following years, but I never thought of her as melancholic either. In fact, I think she is one of the sweetest & most chilling musicians with a wonderful & very unique voice. (and now I have to put on her records & listen to all of them.)
ReplyDeletei, too, do the same thing as you do, always comparing myself to others, and saying that i should be there, i could have been there, i could have been that successful by now, had i had the discipline and determination, and had i worked harder. then i end up feeling like a disappointment, and envy those people who used to be my peers, but by now are more successful & achieved than i am to my measurements. but then i also remember that, although we are competitive and live in an incredibly competitive society where success & happiness is measured by one's career (or the lack of it...), we must stop comparing ourselves to others. everybody is fighting their own battles, everybody has their own journey. and you don't see the entire picture, only the surface which happens to look bright & succesful. but probably there are other parts of the picture which are not at all so bright & shiny. and we also must not forget which are our dreams and which are somebody elses. it's easy to steal other ppl's dreams and think that it's our dreams. but if you think it through, you realize that it's not really your dream, you don't really want to be there where she is, don't want to dedicate your life to the thing she does. so i guess we have to focus on only our dreams and goals and the road we are taking, and fuck the rest.:)