It's time I write again though I don't really have anything to tell about. (Though I have plans to discuss issues in my Hungarian blog.) Sometimes I'm deep down in the pits of depression, other times I'm kind of okay. These changes of mood are partly predictable, for example when I feel useful (e.g. with my advanced student) or spend time with my boyfriend. Or when I'm looking forward to an interview I can be thrilled even. And then, after the refusal call, just like being hit in the face. And of course I have to build myself up again and smile, just like in Queen's Show must go on.
Recently I've discovered that drinking doesn't do me good. Worse, I become totally depressed, self-pitying and exhausted. What does me good is capturing the best moments in life, be it a slice of Szamos cherry cake or having fun at the Indian Holi festival*. (If interested, there's a nice video here.)
Getting out of the pits and on the right track again can be quite difficult. Everywhere I go, everything seems to talk to me, even the films I come across, e.g. Yes Men or Beautiful Mind. And all this makes me feel useless, aimless, floating, blabla. I know it's boring, it's just as boring for me, that's why I haven't written in the past couple of weeks. And you know, I started this whole crusade (or calvary) a year ago. Yes, it was March 30 when I had my first interview, and that was the day I first used what now I call my "job interview suit." Complete with shoes, handbag, and make-up (but I tend to neglect that last bit these days). Of course I had classes back then, just like I have now, but that won't buy my dreams, if you know what I mean.
Funny, sometimes I ask myself what my dreams are. Part of it depends on money, like a house/flat and marriage, kids, the usual stuff. But there's also the writing part which depends more on my actually producing something. Which I haven't done since last December. I mean, in the proper sense of literature (not blogging and writing book reviews on Moly).
So take it as a kind of promise/declaration that I won't bother you (as much) in the future with self-pity, but get a grip on my life, and get hired by great people. And in the meantime let me mention (mostly for motivation) that I was interviewed by a Hungarian publishing company. And even though I didn't get the job, I consider it a big deal. And I hope so much that in the end my life will turn out all right and not a big heap of crap.
*This is a kind of celebration of spring. People throw water and powdered paint at each other, and the whole thing is very joyful and spectacular. We did a miniature version of it at the Hindi class. We marked each other's face with colored stripes and spots, using our fingertips. And we had lots of food (for example this incredibly tasty spicy snack) and some talk as well.
P.S. I do wish to go to India. How come Indian people can be so happy even if they are so poor?
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