Feel The Rain

Paralyzed is the word. Or, to put it more sophisticatedly, eager to please. I've been quite busy for these past couple of weeks, and it's becoming hard to find a proper time for blogging. One of my priorities is job seeking with all its exhausting and nauseating side effects. Meanwhile, some amazing literary opportunities came up as well, of which I dare not speak until there is some positive outcome. In addition to these activities binding me to the computer, I have to run errands as well, such as managing tax issues, posting letters, requesting a new ID, or shopping. At the weekend I'm going to make a rainbow cake for my boyfriend's birthday, using my soulmate blogger's recipe. Add to this my classes (however few) and concerts with the orchestra. Actually, we had a marching on Saturday, where I played one of the drums, and on Sunday there was a proper "sitting" concert, where I played the oboe. I don't usually prepare for these concerts other than going to the regular orchestra sessions, but they consume a lot of time and energy nevertheless.
I'm  trying hard to make something out of my life, really, though probably not as hard as the Hungarian Jews covered in Kati Marton's book. I guess the threat of starving and genocide is more of a motivation than having to do the wash-up and whine at Mom's. It is just so cruel having to know your age (meaning past 25, for instance) and what the world expects from you, and what is probably even more demanding, what you expect from yourself. Just this evening, on his very birthday (the 27th), my boyfriend wept in my arms for feeling "useless." That is the term he used, and he said there's nothing in his life to be proud of, except for having me. I think this is a stupid thing to say, I can understand how it feels though. I've never thought that I will have to console someone feeling more troubled than me, or that I will be more of a rationalist and less of a dreamer in a relationship than my partner. And I've never thought that a birthday can be so painful. A couple of years ago we reached a critical period of our relationship a few days before his birthday, but by that day all was fine. I mean, in a way, it's just another day in your life, yet it's a special one. No-one wants to feel bad on that day, and especially having to remember it each year to come.
All I can hope for is that it will all turn out well, and one day we will look back to this period as a stone in the road to happiness.

P.S. If by any chance you watched the Eurovision song festival semi-final broadcasted from Baku yesterday, you must have seen the Hungarian band Compact Disco performing their song, "Sound of Our Hearts" just after the choir of Russian grannies and before the German rap song about popos (bottoms). "Feel the Rain" is another song by Compact Disco, which I like a lot.